wuzzup homiez?

2011-05-23T02:14:00.001-07:00

how do i begin? well.

i have been having a difficult time here.

it has been very overwhelming for me. i've been pretty emotional (not in front of my gram) about staying here, and not feeling like i should. but it has pretty much just been a roller coaster of emotions.

yesterday was no exception to the rollercoaster. the morning, i was asleep. the afternoon, i was annoyed and just ready to rip my hair out. it was just all the little things. things i was not prepared to handle when i came here. and after i texted/called my closest of friends & fam, saying how i was not sure if i was able to handle this emotional stress for another month. i got a text back from my aunt that said "ok. we'll talk tomorrow and get you home ASAP". uhhh. welll, i mean.

i knew my aunt is a "lets get things done" type of person, but in the best of ways. she loves people with every fiber of her tiny being, she wants to help everyone in any way she can, financially, emotionally, or whatever. she has been a huge help since i've been here. but also (without her knowing) sort of put on some added stress about making my decision to stay or go. i just wasn't ready to be so final with my decision.

but last night, i received multiple encouraging texts, messages, calls from friends about my decision either way. and after a day of just crying out to the Lord, "JUST GIVE ME CLARIFICATION! SOMETHING ANYTHING!" well, He gave me peace about just letting it play out however it will. i will just stick it out until the end of june (when i was planning on going home for cornerstone fest!).

then, i wake up to my phone ringing. it was my aunt. i pick up, and she starts the conversation by saying that she is in the process of buying my ticket home. FOR THIS TUESDAY. "um... what?" as i struggle to wake up, i just think of my cry of "clarification" and thought... well, a ticket is pretty clear.

so, yes. i didn't "stick it out" for long, but i have definitely felt the change the Lord has allowed in my life. i still need refinement (as we all do), but it has been a beautiful trip with my gram. just hearing about her life, and stories of her husband before he passed. it was a joy to be with her for the time i was, and in retrospect, the stress was out weighed by the richness of her conversations (when she was being clear). but if i feel like the Lord re-opens this door, i will come back. but until then, i am onto another adventure: going home to live with my mom & brother (which i know will help refine me some more with patience!!!).

in summary, thank you for listening to me & my complaints. thank you for praying for me & my gram. thank you for just being a presence to me. thank you for encouragements, and for strong words. thank you for being apart of my journey.

2011-04-14T14:25:00.001-07:00

i am on my way out the door.

on to the plane. flight #1871

to phoenix, arizona from midway airport, in chicago.

i am moving to live with my gram, for who knows how long.

if you are in phoenix, or just arizona.. let me know.

trust me, i'll want to hang out.

[i really don't think i'll have internet for awhile. so, cheers. until next time.]

2011-04-08T00:46:00.000-07:00

i'm ready.

2011-03-25T14:13:00.001-07:00

i realize that it is time for me to start writing people, as i am getting ready to move.

so, i am starting today. and am taking new clients. if you would like a handcrafted, too-legit-to-quit letter from me, then let me know. i’d be more than willing to send one your way. old friends, new friends, not-yet friends. i want to get this hand writing again. help me out.

2011-02-24T11:47:00.001-08:00

one of the ladies at the shelter, tina, calls me her daughter. she brought me a little plaque that said something about the first day i was in her arms that she knew how special i was, and then today she put a little heart box with chocolates in it on my desk. oh gesh, these ladies are the cutest.

so, i am not sure why tina calls me her daughter. i feel like it has stemed from when she got me that plaque for my birthday. maybe it was the only nice looking one left, and she thought “eh, close enough” and since then has decided to call me her daughter, as a joke of sorts. but i don’t know. maybe it’s more than that. (i doubt she REALLY thinks i am her LEGIT STRAIGHT UP BLOOD daughter, but you know..) i’d like to think that maybe she has this love volcano in her heart, and every once in a while it spills out a little bit to the people around her. and on january sixth, i was in the crosshairs of the love volcano. yeah, i think that’s it.

this weekend, my room mate, hannah, is getting married. i am pretty pumped, because well.. she is getting married to a sweet guy. but also because i get to have a room to myself for the last month i am here. booooyah.

yesterday i was meditating on james 4. how good it is to just sit in the word of the Lord? and i was just thinking about how much i love the “but”s in the bible. you know the ones? “but He gives more grace” “but God raised Him from the dead” “but God being rich in mercy…made us alive” “but God meant it for good” and so on. amen Lord.

thank You for those buts in our life. i am a wretched sinner, but God being rich in mercy, has made us alive. thank You, thank You.

2011-02-01T23:07:00.001-08:00

|| though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. -isaiah 1:18

this took on a new meaning, walking through this enormous snowstorm tonight. & how you could barely see five feet in front of you. not to mention, that the ground has been completely covered by feet of snow. all of it, pure white.

the Lord washes us. He completely covers us. He redeems us. how beautiful is that?

thank You Lord for Your redeeming blood.

but as for me, it is good to be near God.

2011-01-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

i have recently been doing a lot of things at work that should normally fall under other people’s responsibility. buuuuut, apparently doing tiny little things is too big. so, instead of having only twelve things to do, i now have twenty. blah. i could do without all this extra baggage.

but anyways, lets get down to the nitty gritty.

people’s doubting faith used to always sway/break me, but now it has had a different effect on me; deep deep pain in my heart. it almost literally breaks my heart to hear my friends talk about their recent disbelief in Christ, and His saving blood. not that they have never believed and still don’t, but that they once claimed to have stock in It, but now something has turned them away from Life Everlasting. i wept over a friend’s recent loss of faith, and it left me feeling so so thankful that the Lord has allowed my tiny heart to continue to grab ahold of Him.

oh Lord, continue to do Your work. in Your time. Lord, i am not eloquent with my words, i can not save anyone. Lord, continue to grow my heart strong & rooted in You.

|| psalm 73 ||

i see Your face in every sunrise.

2010-12-14T14:27:00.001-08:00

|| as a christmas gift to my soul, i am taking an internet fast until the 26th of december.

there has been some things that have been surfacing that i need to fervently ask the Lord to help me out with, and unless i am google-ing “how to get rid of sin in your life”, the internet is going to be of no help.

so, if you think of it, i’d love and appreciate the prayer support. i always need it.

| | |

also, i stood in my mirror for about five-ten minutes today. staring at my pupils. the sun had just hit my window at this time & my mirror is at the perfect spot to melt someone into a puddle if you are not careful (due to reflected sunlight). so, i went into the shadows, into the sun, into the shadow, into the sun. staring at my pupils dilate, undilate. big, small. it was amazing. how incredible & beautiful is our Maker?

may the Lord of heaven, the Creator of the universe continue to reveal His love to you new every day, and may you be able to sit and enjoy it, as He enjoys you.

2010-12-06T08:59:00.000-08:00

threw my back out dancing.

sleepover (x2).

took christmas pictures.

went to milwaukee.

christmas party (x2).

late nights & late mornings.

won 25 dollars.

finished season one of dexter: so insane.

laughed a lot.

[good weekend!!]

|||

"...you will never know how much I love you because you will never know how great a sinner you really are. never will you know. your heart is desperately wicked and deceitful above all else and every day you explore the depths of your heart and you think you've found the deepest depth. you think you've soared to the highest height, gone out to the ends. but oh, the boundaries of your sin are beyond your comprehension. how can you know the depth and width and height of My love when you haven't even begun to comprehend the dimensions of your sin? for My love is relative to your sin, I can tell you this: where sin abounds, My grace will much more abound. where sin exists, My love exists in dimensions that far exceed. you can never know all there is about My love because you cannot comprehend sin as I comprehend it..."

never will i know.

Lord, You are so beautiful. thank You for continuing to reveal new depths of Your love to us.

2010-11-15T16:28:00.001-08:00

might as well start today.. tomorrow.

yeah. i am going to try to lose a few lbs.

Lord, bless this feeble attempt at diet/excersizin'.

i have practical life homework this week.

to say goodbye when i leave a room, while hanging out.

i (to avoid being awkward, in my mind) try to leave a room unnoticed, without saying anything.

but turns out, i am super passive aggressive & lack social graces sometimes.

here's to tiny baby steps to being a better friend to people.

& i may move to arizona.

we'll see. that won't be until summer.

Lord, i know You'll show me what i am to do next. thanks for being reliable.

here i am, Your's.

2010-10-05T11:20:00.001-07:00

hurting hearts, you can be made new

poke a teeny, tiny hole in your heart

for Him to shine His light through

you will be made bright white

& as a dove, take flight over this guilt

that has enveloped itself around your soul so tight.

-b. hathaway.

recently, my emotions have been giving me a run around the world.

happy, sad, angry, nothing, hurt, whoknows, etc.

but through it all, there has been this little whisper of hope.

i talked more about it in the last post.

the Lord has giving me all these little reminders of His constant love.

He has never left me, He has never forsaken me. & He never will.

He will always be. He has always been. & He is right now.

He has not let me squirm out of His grasp: i've tried for too long to try to wiggle out.

after my emotional-tornado has passed, it never makes any sense why i try to run away

from the one & only constant in my life, the only Savior in my life, the only Hope in my life.

thank You for loving me.

thank You for hearing me.

thank You for healing me.

thank You for saving me.

|||||||

so, i counted today.

since the first weekend of july,

i have only been home (in chicago) for three weekends.

three months & only three weekends.

also, i am going out of town this & next weekend.

hmm.

"you are practically a gypsy"

-emily garcia [about my travels].

| we used to wait

2010-09-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

i had a lot of frustrating things i wanted to write about earlier

thankfully i didn't have a computer near me.

otherwise, this would be a very annoying post about how t-o'd i got today.

thank You, Lord for sparing us all.

i also am glad i didn't post last night

fresh after i heard all the debby-downer news about my family

& how it is falling apart.

but it reminded me of the quote i wrote in the front of my bible (in high school)

it was told to me by my pastor

he said his mother told him this..

"where there is breath, there is hope"

it always stuck with me

i remember it when i get all hopeless about things (mostly my family).

the Lord pulled me right out of my pit

so, why do i think He is incapable to do that with anyone else?

our God is merciful. He has compassion. His love is a redeeming love.

He has redeemed me. & is still refining me. PTL!

Lord, forgive me for doubting You.

let me never underestimate Your power.

i have been having a hard time, but am glad i have a Lord with big ears

& wide arms.

simply.

2010-09-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

too many things on my mind.

trying to simplfy it by making this a light-hearted post.

thinking about getting this on maybe my upper arm... whaduya think?

i'd leave out the sweet octopus legs, though. sad to say. but yeah.

i can't get over how beautiful the swirls & colors are.

& i can always tack on how the Lord is my anchor through all the storms of life.

which is true. so true. oh my dear sweet holy Father, it is true. You are my balance, my anchor, the wind in my sails, the boat on which i want to live forever, and the love which makes it all possible.

i want to take a nice long warm bath in the Lord's love & never get out.

oh Lord, forgive my lame analogies. but i want/need Your love.

today is going to be a good day.

so will tomorrow. and the next day. and the day after that. and the day after that.

2010-08-19T12:44:00.001-07:00

oh Lord Jesus.

have mercy on us, sinners.

it aches me when i see people hating You because of the people who claim Your name.

Lord, open our eyes.

let not the sins of our flesh get in the way of Your message of unconditional love & never ending mercy and grace.

oh Jesus, be gentle to us for we are broken before You.

i am not You. i don't claim to be.

but Jesus, i want to be continually refined so i can be more like You.

open my heart wider to love Your people

& give me strength to turn to You when they fall short of loving me the way i want You to.

Lord, allow me to be filled by You

so i never have to look towards others for that fill.

"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him"

|| romans 8: 28

2010-07-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

yes. all my friends are getting married.

yes. a ton of them are younger than i am.

yes. i feel unsure about my future.

yes. i am excited to see my next step.

so, another wave of looking into my next move.

so many options, so little time.

will someone please just tell me what i should do?

i know the Lord still has my back & will be with whatever He allows to happen and i still wish He would just send me an itinerany of my life.

pretty pumped about my upcoming travels.

mississippi, missouri & seattle.

all in a really short amount of time.

who knows? maybe the Lord will bring up something while i am travelling: future wise.

maybe He wants me to move to seattle. i'd be okay with that.

i am just praying for an open, yet guarded heart.

& a willingness to do whatever the Lord puts before me.

2010-07-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

some day some boy will fall
in love with all my flaws
and he sure will be the lucky one

///

it has been a good, long wait. and i am still good & waiting.

i pray that he is being sharpened & being made ready during this time.

oh, Lord. i pray the same for myself. allow me to be sharpened & to be made ready.

continue to be with my shortcomings: they are every where.

let me not be to hard on myself. let me receive Your grace & love openly.

remember you're beautiful.

2010-05-24T17:28:00.001-07:00

i never know how to update people about myself.

i complicate life a lot, so it is hard for me to summarize all of it.

top ten things on my mind right now:

(in no order)

1. traveling [to canada & seattle].

2. moving? [options: st. louis, back home, magnolia, chicago, else where]

3. family tings.

4. my relationships [friends, the Lord].

5. really missing my dear, dear friend who moved out today.

6. future [marriage, family, school, job, housing].

7. music. music. music.

8. making priorities.

9. shoot. dang. it is hot & humid out.

10. what do i want?

i am trying to get things together.

my thoughts, future plans, my act(ions), all that other stuff.

this summer should be a good one; i'm planning on it.

2010-05-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

i am ready for something.

moving. changing. something.

something needs to give.

i am nothing/ i gain nothing

2010-05-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

so, i am trying not (to choose) to listen to anything but hardcore music for this ENTIRE week.

i have been doing it since saturday & so far, i have succeed. (except for other people playing other music & i hearing it). i am doing this because i am going to a hardcore show this friday & felt bad because i know nothing about said genre. i am going to try to acquire an ear for it or something.

random side note:

i am at work & just went downstairs to make some copies.

and as i was walking back into my office, some of the women were looking through a bag of undies&bras.

one of the ladies, holding a pair in the air, yelled to me "katherine, here! you need some thongs!"

barf.

it has been an interesting few weeks.

up&downs, as always.

learning things; some things i want to learn, other things are forced upon me.

i've learned that i hate back massages from hard-handed people (i just got one right now) & i learned that i don't know many things.

"thong" talk count (in a ten-minute period): 16

i could really go for an expensive drink right now.

yum. yum. yum. but man, too expensive for a can of something.

but if you have a lifetime quantity of araniata, feel free to send some thisaway.

i don't want to be a resounding gong.

Lord, give me Your love.

TNT!

2010-04-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

goodies. goodies.

i love mail. i don't love being sick.

i love beautiful weather outside. i don't love letting my emotions out.

i love making relationships right. i don't love the steps to get there.

things have been 50/50 recently. good, really good. & lame, real real lame.

but thankfully the Lord was with me the WHOLE time.

& i needed Him every step.

i signed up for a bunch of free goodies about two-three weeks ago

& they are finally starting to come in. it's great!

i am now an offical member of the "tnt fireworks club".

[here is what was in my member benefits package]

[pictured above: top left is my custom-made TNT notebook. top right is my OFFICIAL & laminated club member card. totally legit! bottom left is where my TNT magnet went. bottom right is my visually stunning TNT fireworks poster.]

this alone made my week.

so, everything else has been downhill.

but you know. it was a high hill. (gotta come down sometime. AM I RIGHT?!?)

allowing the Lord to refine me in many (new) ways has been challenging.

but so so so necessary.

i am so not even close to being refined, but it a process. thankfully.

here's to continuing to let the Lord do as He pleases in my life!

HE IS RISEN!

2010-03-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

here is what i have (hopes) for this month..

opening up my life to more people (physically & emotionally).

asking for help & prayer when needed (aka always).

trying to make more conscious decisions in my speech & thoughts.

praying for more vulnerability in my life.

trying to wear my heart on my sleeve.

knowing i am going to mess up a lot.

& expecting the Lord's help on all of it.

i really hope this month is a good start to a beautiful new me.

hosanna!

2010-03-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

i pray for patience

but they make me wanna melt their face away.

things have been looking up.

babysitting went well yesterday.

i prayed before it for help & it ended up being almost too easy.

work has been crazy. paperwork overload.

but i asked my boss (who i am half frightened of) to do some of it for me

& she is actually doing it!! booyah.

& my other (totally amazing) boss, who is computer-illiterate

i taught her to use the computer today. mostly how to type up case notes.

praise the Lord!

three grown women in one office ALL USING THE COMPUTER!

amen. amen. amen.

if i can only keep the goodness & sprinkle it elsewhere in my life.

still praying about the future. no answers yet.

still praying about the futuuuuure :nudge nudge wink wink:. no answers/response yet.

i miss my family.

i miss seeing my mom every day.

i even sort of missing seeing my li'l brudder & my older bro bro.

& my turtle and my kitty.

heal my heart & make it clean

open my eyes to the things unseen

show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Your's

everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause.

2010-03-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

what can wash away my sins?

nothing but the blood of Jesus

what can make me white as snow?

nothing but the blood of Jesus

what can make me whole again?

nothing but the blood of Jesus

oh, precious is the flow

that makes me white as snow

no other fount i know

nothing but the blood of Jesus.

2C1311

2010-02-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

i feel so small in the big city

where people & buildings are surrounding me.

-antsy pants.

trying not to get my hopes up about things.

just trying to better myself with the Lord's help.

i feel as if i get too pumped about things before they happen.

just trying to "keep it real".

things that need to happen/ things that might happen:

go to canada for a week.

go to seattle with my aunt.

move out.

get a job.

become humble.

be in jen&joel's wedding.

finish these things.

find my passport.

(try to) fulfill (some of) 2 corinthians 13:11 in my life.

finally, brothers, rejoice.

aim for restoration

comfort one another

agree with one another

live in peace;

and the God of love & peace will be with you.

-2 corinthians 13:11

~~[happy to announce, i haven't restored my facebook (yet). but next month, it might happen.]~~

[it's happening.]

2010-02-22T08:45:00.001-08:00

i know. i know. don't tell me.

but i was thinking (not too hard) about maybe possibly reactivating my facebook.

so ridiculous. i know.

but it has been two months (and a day) since i've deleted it.

it has been a good break. a necessary break.

but i don't know.

maybe i'll wait until three months & see how i feel about it all.

any comments/suggestions/help?

i am currently postponing work i need to be doing, but it would wait, right?

no. no more.

it is well.

2010-02-16T23:41:00.000-08:00

i was told by three seperate people, at three seperate time that i need to get my facebook back.

hm. i just don't know. i can't see how that would benefit. i don't think i have completely weeded out the things i was struggling with/ the reasons why i deleted it. so, i don't think it would be a good idea. so, nope. not now. not yet. not gonna happen. sorry #1 kait, meg & matt. s'not happenin'.

there has been a lot of typing in my life recently.

i don't like it.

ash wednesday tomorrow/today.

i haven't thought of something i am feeling convicted to give up.

there are plenty i can quit for a bit, but i can't think of something that suits the season.

i think i want to promise to do things, rather than promise to not do something.

i've been reading my bible, about a chapter at a time, every night before i go to bed.

but there are some nights where i pray instead.

i think i want to expand that, not just for a month.

...or maybe i can stop taking the elevator completely. hmm. idon'tknow.

girls night this saturday.

haha. i am super pumped.

i am going to a bar/club this weekend with my mentor, her husband & two of my dear friends.

i've never been to a club.

i've been to a bar, only to see bands though.

there is an '80s cover band playing, "16 candles". hahahah!

it is going to be pretty epic. i'm excited.

free admission, free pizza, free soda, free dance party, free girls night, free fun.

i realized i do have a "thing".

you know how some people really love one "thing". & usually people get them an abundant supply of "thing"-themed gifts? well, i never thought i had one of those "things".

but the more i think about it, i might.

i love glass bottles. old, super neat, beautifully shaped bottles. with cork stoppers, swing tops, lids. mason jars. color tinted glass. oh yeah. i like them. all of it.

You bled and then You died and You rose again for me

You're beautiful!

"everybody has like an inner zef. it's just like a zone we flex."

2010-02-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

i've been conducting a very small, not offical survey about winking.

i wink (a lot) at someone when they are not looking & see if they fall in love with me.

i have done it about six seperate times.

it works, so far, never.

which leads me to my singleness...

yeah.

anyway. i have recently found out about "die antwoord" on 'ze interweb.

completely outrageous. just look up "enter the ninja" & their video interview. (other stuff is a lil' much/ a lot much)

i am pretty sure they are serious, but i could not find it any funnier.

needless to say, i have downloaded all the music from them i could off 'ze interwebs.

"we'll be the tour through the funk" -yo-landi, of die antwoord. priceless.

went to see sleeping at last tonight.

just beautiful.

it just makes me really really happy.

i walked home a very happy woman.

oh! & some dude purposed to his lady at the show; super sweet!!

also, i conducted a survey at the show [you know, the one mentioned above], still nothing.

on another note, i am now a proud member of the five buck club.

i am pumped to use it one day.

valentines day is apparently this weekend.

i am not an anti-valentines person, but being single for basically all my life makes me less excited about it than some.

on this note, i am reading "passion & purity". so so so good.

it has been slapping me in the face recently with some forgotten truths.

something i have been waiting to hear (again) was

"wait on God. keep your mouth shut."

there is context, but basically i really needed that reaffirmation.

i am very, extremely, eternally thankful for Christ's love, that i am continually trying to let be enough for me on a daily basis.

i hate those days that try to make me think His love isn't enough.

Lord, allow me to land on Your love always.

cluster cuss

2010-02-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

the past two weeks have consisted of, but were not limited to:

i accidently walked onto the crazy train.

i fell asleep to a "fantastic" movie.

woke up to a winter wonderland; so excited.

watched the superbowl (WOO!) & season premire of lost (WHOA!).

almost finished a book i started last year.

kept my mouth shut, mostly.

thought of some really cool ideas for crafts.

50/50 chance of going to mississippi for a week.

95% chance of going to seattle.

went to bushnell with four amazing ladies & one beautiful toddler.

still don't think i'm ready to meet my mom's boyfriend.

complained about making zero dollars; made ten last night.

found out i am most likely allergic to cute bunnies, sad sad day.

had my feelings hurt, but got over it.

it has been a nice two weeks, for the most part.

but i really do want to go on a vacation, hopefully out of state.

no, wait. it's at home, in the file, under D, for doughnut.

2010-02-03T09:15:00.000-08:00

please write down any aliases, distinctive characteristics and/or maiden names:

"..., ghostwriter, my unique personality,..."

i love (the people at) my work.

(i also want to quit sometimes)

this year will be, Lord-willing, filled with completion.

hopefully in the area of "finishing what i've started".

i have a semi-large problem with doing that, with "non-essentials".

lost. lost. lost.

my life has been bombarded with lost, multiple seasons of it.

there are way too many theories about that show.

i like just taking that show for surface value. it is more fun.

it's hard to be a decent human being.

2010-01-22T13:21:00.001-08:00

i had the worst morning at work.

well, i am sure it could be worse.

but i was verbally angry (in an empty office) about the whole situation.

but going home for lunch was good

& i am glad lacey forced me to go home for lunch.

so, i am back at work

(by forcing of myself)

& i am not going to think about why i was so ticked

...so yeah

i am making a list of all the ladies here & there are some crazy names!!

they sound so fake.

"eleverenesse"

oh & i love how they expect me to understand this little blob of scribbles, as if that is legible.

i mean, i assume this person has a name, but they don't want me to know it.

yesterday was nice

i made (another) list of short & long term goals.

it is going to be a good next five months.

accountability. weight loss. bible memorization. craft-a-thon.

i'm pumped.

4 8 15 16 23 42

2010-01-21T08:22:00.001-08:00

oh, Lord. please no!

not more reporting!

just when i thought i was done

& was about to catch up with the work i didn't do while i was reporting.

nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

outside of this new news, things have been going well.

i feel as if there is going to be a new wave of things this year.

i am really hoping i can stick to some goals this new year

here are some small, achievable goals i want to accomplish:

finish sewing my stocking

finish writing letters i have started

finish books i have started

just finish what i've started, in general

pay closer attention to my friend's needs

keep in contact with people better

go on a vacation this spring break to visit my aunt in seattle

watch what i consume (physically & spiritually)

encourage. encourage. encourage.

remember things i learn & put them into practice

that is good enough. i don't want to over shoot & fail.

i just want to keep on track & learn to live better this year.

Lord, help me out on this one.

You're beautiful!

2010-01-13T08:38:00.000-08:00

"i see Your face in every sunrise

the colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
the world awakens in the light of the day
i look up to the sky and say
You're beautiful

i see Your power in the moonlit night
where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
we are amazed in the light of the stars
it's all proclaiming who You are
You're beautiful

i see You there hanging on a tree
You bled and then You died and then You rose again for me
now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne
soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful

when we arrive at eternity's shore
where death is just a memory and tears are no more
we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful

i see Your face, i see Your face, i see Your face
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful!"

praise the Lord.

He is beautiful!

thank You for life.

today is going to be a good day; i can feel it.

let it be me

2009-12-29T14:33:00.001-08:00

if i could rip one thing off the face of the earth, it would be my jeans.

not all of them, just this one pair.

they are this one pair of blue jeans, whose favorite hobby is ripping in the most inappropriate spots.

on to another not frustrating topic, i have been becoming more secure in my own flesh. i mean, i know i have (boat loads of) flaws but i have an unhealthy amount of insecurities. but recently, they have been in the process of being weeded out & replaced with more beautiful traits. i can only give massive props to one (in three) person; the Lord (and God and the Holy Spirit). He has been doing some awesome, noticeable things in my life & personal walk. it has been really encouraging. i normally don't always notice my growth, until later on, but it is nice seeing it as it's happening. i love growth; and i desire it so so much.

i am taking photographs for a good friend tonight. i am really excited someone has personally called on me for my talents. it has been weird not having people know me as a photographer here. but i also like the idea of not being known for one thing. i like being other things. but i also like using my talents and i like that other people like me using them.

also, i was wondering something as i was in the elevator (which i have been trying not to use) today; why don't they make gum good to swallow? if they do, why don't they advertise that?

..i take that back. according to wikianswers.com, it is okay to swallow gum. just don't make a habit of it. i can handle that.

hallelujah!

2009-12-21T14:48:00.000-08:00

oh, that felt good.

i just deleted my facebook & myspace.

i'd rather talk about how the Lord is growing me & read about how He is working in others (through this) then sit for hours looking at people's pictures (on facebook/myspace).

oh Lord. let me not think about it anymore.

yesterday was my graduation from project 12, the program i was involved in at Jesus people. it was great. i felt so encouraged by everyone, just by their presence. it was such a huge blessing.

heres to hoping my newly accquired time will be put to good use

& that my hands will be more fruitful in what they do.

thank You

2009-12-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

things i am thankful for:

things that make me laugh

courage

ola [my boss]

snow

(christmas) music

my room mate, hannah

night showers

friends [new & old]

alone time

almost being done with project 12

nail polish

cold [drinking] water

available people

post it notes & paper clips

creativity

second, third, fourth (and so on..) chances

gloves, boots, hats, scarves, big warm jackets

my family

good, redeeming qualities

comfy blankets

good dinners & tasty desserts

i am just really thankful for the life the Lord has given me.

tell her Jesus Christ is here (tell her He is here)

2009-11-24T08:12:00.000-08:00

recently, some things that have happened are as followed:

mercy & grace was bestowed !!!

found out my little brother smokes weed.

had an over due conversation.

ran/walked 3 miles.

felt like a champion!

accidentally skipped class.

got bruised (again) from trying to jump onto my loft (again).

watched lots of movies; where the wild things are, swing kids, next friday, million dollar baby, princess diaries, she's all that, etc.

hung out with really great people.

received a dose of courage.

continued my crush.

played lots of mafia.

played one round of sardines.

woke up super sore.

received a nice, super good fitting, free sweater.

went on many walks & bike rides.

baby sat elliott, the beta fish, for a week.

watched a hair styling video with a beautiful woman.

saw a wonderful free concert.

realized some more of my flaws.

saw my great, great need for more of the Lord in my life.

praise God for growth!

don't let it fool you down.

2009-11-18T23:21:00.000-08:00

praise God for music!

oh man. i just love music. i could have earphones in constantly & still not get enough of it into my system. i wonder if there is other ways to consume music other than in my ears. can i drink music? if i could, i would drink this song up!

found out my sixteen year old brother smokes weed this past weekend. not fun.

i came in early on saturday night; he runs to the bathroom, he carelessly leaves it out on the table. confront him, he denys it. but as calmly as i could, i told him that i struggled with it for years. i think that was as shocking to him, as me finding out he does it. oh, struggles. praise God struggles come & go. i am just glad this is out in the open, bringing things to the light is so difficult and so necessary. i just pray my mom has the strength to build him up in this time, he is so desperate for help & love right now.

God is good. & so faithful. really, He is.

i am so unstable, i am glad to have that one stability in my life.

i can't help it, you're so beautiful.

2009-10-28T08:53:00.001-07:00

i love alone time.

i mean, really. i do. it sounds cheesy (maybe). but it is so good for me.

last night, when i was hanging out with the Lord, i just told Him how thankful i am that He doesn't come down from heaven with His finger over His lips, telling me to "shhhh". because i know i would; i am so annoying sometimes.

also, last night was bible study (every tuesday night with either robert or otto). man, i needed to hear what was said. robert gave this amazing illustration of his son drowning his pancakes in syrup, also allowing the syrup to spill over the sides. and how that those pancakes are our sin, but (here is the beautiful part) the overflowing syrup is God's limitless grace that He lavishes on us. amen! amen!

life is beautiful. God is so good.

past present future told

2009-09-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

i need God right now.

i need prayer right now.

oh Lord, allow me strength & wisdom.

my family. my family. my family.

we need help. my brother is lost, in so many ways.

my mother is helpless and needs Your guidence.

my life is literally a rollercoaster of feelings.

good, then bad, then awesome, then horrible, but still alright.

my future is in question, my present is a little hazy and my past is always creepin'.

i am so sore.

i fell over my bike handles yesterday while riding. it hurt.

but the Lord provided some nice people on the path to help me up & not run me over.

i woke up super achy.

the Lord has definitely been guarding me from things and allowing me to go through other things.

i pray that He continues to direct my focus to Him, as i am easily distracted.

i am tired of having my own agenda. i want to have His.

2009-09-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

thank You for loving me!

thank You for finding me!

thank You for hearing me!

thank You for healing me!

thank You for saving me!

my Jesus, i love You

i know Thou art mine.

but as for me, it is good to be near God.

2009-08-20T17:28:00.001-07:00

on the bus home today, i couldn't help but feel a tad nostalgic. i found my seat after figuring out which of five bus cards had anything on it. after i found said seat, i immediately found this familiar fragrance in the air. it was my grandma, not really, but the smell of her. in the least insulting way possible. her perfume was currently residing on someone less familiar. i really enjoyed that five minute smell fest.

on a less nostalgic note, i rode in a taxi cab for the very first time today. it was about the same amount of expensive i thought it would be; very.

this next month, starting yesterday, i am taking a (semi) break from the internet. so far, obvisiously, i am not doing perfectly. i have made exceptions for myself, but it is mostly to try & allow myself to be disciplined in this time. i am mostly severing my facebook relationship this month (that time-sucker!!). but i want to get closer to my Lord & spending more than needed time on the internet didn't help. so, i am going to consciously give this time up to Christ. [if you have time, please pray for Him to use this time but mostly for me being open to grow with Him]

a (beautiful & encouraging) word from the Lord through the psalmist, asaph.

.psalm 73:23-28
...nevertheless, i am continually with You
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel
& afterward receive me to glory.
whom have i in heaven but You?
& earth has nothing i desire besides You
my flesh & my heart fail
but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever.
for indeed, those who are far from You shall perish
You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry.
but as for me, it is good to be near God
i have put my trust in the Lord God,
that i may declare all Your works.

let that beat control your body.

2009-07-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

hm.

i've noticed how much i like summing up my life in lists or just a summary paragraph. so, why change?

recently, i've:

just found out i can look at a "parents guide" on imdb, which rules. saw the new harry potter at midnight-ish. filed a lot of paperwork. drank a lot of fruit of the spirit-infused energy drinks. ruined shoes & was blessed with new ones. almost finished mere christianity (one more chapter!!). played boggle and trouble with two amazing siblings. been pumped to get to know my neighbors better. held babies. had confrontations. been challenged. drove many golf carts. prayed for change. thought about moving out & semi-looked into it. met neat people. been sad about really amazing people moving out of the community. been blown away by how the Lord blesses in way i could never pray for. my mom went on a date? with a christian? & was invited to a christian music fest by a christian at work? & listens to christian rock? what?!

praise the Lord. praise the Lord, oh my soul

dead & not dead things.

2009-06-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

my dog died on friday.

it was sad. i wasn't there, only my little bro bro was.

apparently she made it up the stairs, panted a lot. my brother sat with it for a little while & she just stopped breathing. my brother proceeded to carry her downstairs & cover her with a blanket. the story made me sadder than the actual reality of my dog not being there when i got home.

she has been in my life since i was in grade school. so, just the mere fact that half of my life, she has been around makes things difficult.

on a less-dead note, my best friend got married on that same day. that was beautiful. so, it was hard for me to be sad because of that. i got some mad blisters, but they were sooo worth it.

cornerstone is quickly approaching. i am pumped about experiencing it from a different point of view.

God has been very merciful to me & i continue to ask for His mercy, for i need it new each day.

a glass full of fun

2009-05-07T23:22:00.000-07:00

two weeks.

on tuesday morning at 9 am, about twenty people boarded to vans to make a 24 hour journey to baton rouge.

so far it has been interesting.

we have had a lot of fun; played some ultimate frisbee. sweated a lot. argued a lot. been frustrated with mostly one single person & realized that he is exactly like my father; ever since i have noticed that i have been trying not to flip as much. been completely provided for. had our fridge full of food since we have gotten here. packed a lot of cans of fruit cocktail & beans into boxes. eaten some fancy new orleans cookin'; gumbo, et tu fae. recorded a lot of outrageous quotes said by the students.

not much has happened so far, but we aren't where all the work is happenin' at. so, i am pumped to go to new orleans. we'll see. i am praying for more sensetivity to His people & more heart for His work. i know He can change the hardest hearts, so i am excited to see what He does with mine.

sb09!

2009-04-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

spring break came & went pretty quickly this year.

i had a handful of awesome times, as well as a handful of crap.

my friend, danielle, from jpusa came to my house with me for the week. there was a lot of unnecessary sarcasm that was thrown around (and it was addressed, by the both of us). there was also some hard truth dealt out about codependency. there were also fits thrown & a cellphone tossed out a window. brothers pushed overs. tears shed. many pleas to God for Him to fix certain situations. "i don't want to be like this" was repeated several times. good dinners were made & eaten. lord of the rings triology was finished. trivia was answered. a very crappy uncle-made vampire movie was watched. reptiles were fed. beds were shared. laid on the grass as the sun was setting. God was thanked & praised. bible studies were unattended. & a spring break ended.

all in all, it was eventful.

i thank God for the ups & downs.

You make every new day seem so new

2009-04-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

things i've done recently:

made tons of videos

laughed a lot

danced a lot

went down a hill on a bike for the first time

stayed up way too late

been late for work too much

been asked to be in a skit

met up with some of my best friends

listen to two of my friends sing beautiful opera music

seen a professional dance performance for the first time ever

fooled a good friend into thinking i was going to space camp

saw my mom & hugged her

received a hand-delivered care package from my mom (see image below)

got mail from kelly hedtcke (!!!)

went to my friend's room at 1am for prayer

played lord of the rings trivial pursuit, harry potter & the sorcerer's stone trivia board game and pirates of the caribbean dvd treasure hunt game.

started my spring break today!

saw coraline in 2d

been happy & nervous at the same time

served people with a good heart (& other times with a not-so-good heart)

had my family-head give me a "good talkin'"

been upset at myself for being lazy/undisciplined lately

ask God to tighten up my loose ends, almost every day

2009-03-25T07:16:00.001-07:00

to do list:

figure out future.

not worry about the future.

finish art projects; fest for us square, receipe book & comic drawing.

learn how to draw better.

lose 50 pounds in two months (for skimpy bikini season).

do laundry.

hug my mom. & tell her i love her.

do the same to my brothers, but replace "her" with "him".

get new/used pants.

do my devo every day.

finish my devo that i am presenting on the 31st.

watch napolean dynamite.

make more dancing videos.

go on plenty more bike rides.

love people more than i ever have before.

pray every time i think about prayer/someone.

adonai- Jehovah

2009-03-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

habakkuk 1:13

"Your eyes are too pure to look on evil

You cannot tolerate wrong doing.

why then do You tolerate the treacherous?

why are You silent while the wicked swallow up those more righteous than themselves?"

theodicy. the "why" we are all asking; why God allows evil in the world.

God is just. God is soveriegn. God is love.

if there is any evil i will accept, it is the "evil" that comes permitted by a just & loving God.

when we go through real tough stuff, where do we turn? to others, to God. when we are broken hearted, God is so close to us (ps. 34:18). we glorify Him with our desperate need for Him (hosea 5:15-6:3) and it isn't very often we are desperate when we are "satisfied" or "happy".

i believe the Lord is all powerful, all knowing & all good. He has allowed evil to come in, so we can cry out for His saving arms & find rest.

He foreknows & predestines. He knows the best possible way for us to come so close to Him. how we expect to understand His ways is beyond me. yet still we try to figure out why & how, when He isn't necessarily about giving out those answers.

i heard a wise man once say, "you get a lot closer to God from wrestling with the question rather than settling for an answer." our God is sovereign- adonai Jehovah.

i remember this one day, i was having the "worst day ever" & i just was angrily praying for God to fix me. He ended up placing hosea in front of me.

"in their misery, they will earnestly seek Me. come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds...as surely as the sun rises, He will appear."

it is all over the bible. He is right there, with the first aid kit, ready to bind our wounds. He is discipling those who He loves (heb. 12:6). sure, i don't get it, but i also don't get how a low-life sinner like me can be able to have not only a second chance but eternal life with the Most High, the Holy God of the universe.

praise Him. He shows us pain but allows us to really experience peace & a harvest of righteousness (heb. 12:11). i don't get it, but was i supposed to?

-this is a paper i wrote for my class this past week about my "theodicy".

it is well

2009-03-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

my sin, oh the bliss of that glorious thought

my sin, not in part but the whole

was nailed to the cross

& i bear it no more

praise the Lord!

praise the Lord, oh my soul!

praise God for taking my burdens.

but i ask the Spirit to continue to remind me i don't need to suffer for things that aren't in my hands.

i have been all over in my thoughts & feelings.

i have been just ticked about having to clean & reclean the same things every day. i have been upset about people not acting how i want them to act. i have been feeling useless & unactive. but but but. i have been praying for a willing & servant heart. i have been feeling accepted and welcomed. i have done some awesome things. i went on a really loooong bike ride, almost 10 miles. God is breaking me in certain areas & building me up in others.

i've been thinking about the future & what it might hold in store. i would like to go back to school for sign language, but where? i don't know. when? i don't know. how will i financially do it? not the slightest clue. but that is not now, but maybe summer-ish time. as for now, i am here.

...but please keep no score

2009-02-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

it has been a little bit more mundane recently, but in a good way.

tonight was really good.

i have been feeling that certain people are just ok with being comfortable & not trying to grow together. but when our prayer meeting "leader" didn't show up, we slowly decided to take it upon ourselves to not just go do something else. but instead we prayed for each other. it was great.

i have become closer to a lot of the people here, which is helpful for me not to feel awkward all the time.

i am also just trying to examine my life here, so i can try and see if this is where i belong for some time. but i don't want to stay here just because i have no where else to go. i want to make this stay intentional. i want my life & relationships to be intentional.

work has been good. one of the seniors, that i see every day & serve, gave me a valentine. it was adorable. my other job (odd cleaning jobs) has been very weird this week, because the girl i work under was sick most of the week. but i am still trying to be alright with it. & knowing that the Lord put me in this position for a reason.

my recent prayer has been for acceptance. of situations, people, mistakes. & sometimes all of them together. the Lord has allowed me to make a lot of mistakes in order that i remember how imperfect i am & how merciful He is. it has been a nice reminder.

but as for me, i will always have hope. (ps.71:14)

2009-02-11T10:16:00.000-08:00

no cancer! praise God.

new macbook! very nice. very nice.

stretching of my comfort. not as nice, but necessary.

God is good, all the time.

heal my heart & make it clean. open up my eyes to the things unseen. show me how to love like You have loved me. break my heart for what breaks Yours. everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause.

this is my prayer: for myself & you.

heart of stone - heart of flesh

2009-01-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

almost four weeks into it now.
& i am equally loving it.

things have been up & down, here & there.
the Lord has definitely been stretching me and teaching me necessary lessons.

more recent events, thus far:

settled in my room.
finish my 3 day Jesus people history class.
not received any mail.
watched the season premiere of lost!
learned that a lot of people from bands live here.
took an acting class.
bought a macbook.
found a lump.
made a loooot of cookies.
been late once to work.
learned sudoko & been addicted.
saw slumdog millionaire, hellboy 2 & the secret of roan inish for the first time.
missed minooka & threesixty ALOT!
had dinner & spoke spanish, aka "como se dice.."
ate awesome thai food with laura fiske.
etc. etc. etc.

things have been going well.
i have an ultrasound on february 6th. please keep that in your prayers.

verses the Lord has put heavy on my heart in the past month:
galatians 6:9-10
isaiah 6:8
ezekiel 36:26

world. usa. illinois. chicago. wilson street. 208. bottom bunk.

2009-01-06T08:26:00.001-08:00

i have just about settled in. today is day three of my "one year" journey. as well, as my birthday.

a mini-recap of the events that have already happened while here:
met my room mate, bethany "betty".
went to church.
played apples to apples with 15 people.
watched episodes of twin peaks, the office & pushing daises.
started classes.
peed in a Tupperware container (wasn't my idea).

oh & did i mention my mom came up yesterday?
no? well, she did. and she basically told me she had hit rock bottom & i proceed to tell her the Good News of Christ Jesus and my testimony. it was amazing.
i asked the Lord to somehow speak to my mother & bring her to Him.
and well, that was definitely something!
praise the Lord!

it has been a good couple of days. thank you for your prayers.

-katherine manning
room 208
920 w. wilson ave.
chicago, il 60640

2008-11-04T13:19:00.001-08:00

life has been busy, mostly with work.
my heart has felt very distant recently, not like in a "i have been a jerk" type of way, but in a "my sense of feeling has left me" type of way.
it has been hard, because i have been earnestly wanting to have God come in & just jumpstart my heart back to it's passionate state. but so far, i have been left feeling this lack of passion & drive.

i want to yearn. i want to ache with God's heart. i want to see Him more. i want to love with a Christ-like love. i want the Holy Spirit to use me in my work place. i want the kids i spend time with to see Christ in me. i want Jesus. i need Him everyday.
i am so broken.

2008-09-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

so, it has been forever.

new news, my house offically has no computer in it. currently, i am in the library updating my beloved online blogs. this whole "no computer" thing happened just last night, when my mom finally gave up on fighting for my little brother's attention. before last night, he was fine with spending his entire free time on the computer, that & he was a real sassafrass when he was on there. so, my mom gave up & took it away. i could just about care less. but i hope it lasts, otherwise it was a waste of a point.

in other less technology news, the Lord has been really stretching my heart in ways i didn't think possible. mostly because i always looked over these ruts & saw them as just that, ruts. i didn't see them for what they were, times of growth & perserverence.

i have been less disciplined in the love study than i would like, but i am still doing it. i have learned a lot of things, such as how selfish i am & how i let my so-called "lack of knowledge" get in the way of plenty of things. God is growing me in His love in massive amounts.

as to life issues, i think i have decided to stick around at home until i can pay off all of my bills & then i will move into the Jesus People community, so i have no finances holding me back. & the bills i have to pay are fairly minimal, so that should be fine. but that is my "plan". we'll see how God will tweak it. all i know is i am excited to see how the Lord will grow me through the next couple of years.

2008-08-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

"repentance, Jesus told us, is not just what you put off. it's about what you put on."

i have been reading this book, "the last eyewitness: the final week". it's basically telling the story of Jesus' final week, as if John were narrating it. it has been hugely impacting in my life recently.

& i just read this line today in the book. it kind of caught me off guard. i've heard this, sort of, said before. but i guess it never sunk in.

what have i put off? sure, "my old self" but have i really? have i really completely turned around & put on Christ? Christ's love, His goodness, His forgiveness. when i look at Christ & examine myself through His example, i COMPLETELY fall short. praise God that i am not called to be Christ, but Christ-like.

in the next couple of weeks, me & a friend are going over the characteristics of love. every week, we will be looking at one of the characteristics & trying to filter it into our life. bringing patience, hope, trust & lovingkindness into our actions. only through God is this going to be slightly possible. i pray that God continues to show us His love in every day situations. that He brings examples of mercy in our midst. real & true mercy. this is my prayer.