how do i begin? well.

i have been having a difficult time here.

it has been very overwhelming for me. i've been pretty emotional (not in front of my gram) about staying here, and not feeling like i should. but it has pretty much just been a roller coaster of emotions.

yesterday was no exception to the rollercoaster. the morning, i was asleep. the afternoon, i was annoyed and just ready to rip my hair out. it was just all the little things. things i was not prepared to handle when i came here. and after i texted/called my closest of friends & fam, saying how i was not sure if i was able to handle this emotional stress for another month. i got a text back from my aunt that said "ok. we'll talk tomorrow and get you home ASAP". uhhh. welll, i mean.

i knew my aunt is a "lets get things done" type of person, but in the best of ways. she loves people with every fiber of her tiny being, she wants to help everyone in any way she can, financially, emotionally, or whatever. she has been a huge help since i've been here. but also (without her knowing) sort of put on some added stress about making my decision to stay or go. i just wasn't ready to be so final with my decision.

but last night, i received multiple encouraging texts, messages, calls from friends about my decision either way. and after a day of just crying out to the Lord, "JUST GIVE ME CLARIFICATION! SOMETHING ANYTHING!" well, He gave me peace about just letting it play out however it will. i will just stick it out until the end of june (when i was planning on going home for cornerstone fest!).

then, i wake up to my phone ringing. it was my aunt. i pick up, and she starts the conversation by saying that she is in the process of buying my ticket home. FOR THIS TUESDAY. "um... what?" as i struggle to wake up, i just think of my cry of "clarification" and thought... well, a ticket is pretty clear.

so, yes. i didn't "stick it out" for long, but i have definitely felt the change the Lord has allowed in my life. i still need refinement (as we all do), but it has been a beautiful trip with my gram. just hearing about her life, and stories of her husband before he passed. it was a joy to be with her for the time i was, and in retrospect, the stress was out weighed by the richness of her conversations (when she was being clear). but if i feel like the Lord re-opens this door, i will come back. but until then, i am onto another adventure: going home to live with my mom & brother (which i know will help refine me some more with patience!!!).

in summary, thank you for listening to me & my complaints. thank you for praying for me & my gram. thank you for just being a presence to me. thank you for encouragements, and for strong words. thank you for being apart of my journey.

<3

i am on my way out the door.

on to the plane. flight #1871

to phoenix, arizona from midway airport, in chicago.

i am moving to live with my gram, for who knows how long.

if you are in phoenix, or just arizona.. let me know.

trust me, i'll want to hang out.

<3

[i really don't think i'll have internet for awhile. so, cheers. until next time.]

i'm ready.

i realize that it is time for me to start writing people, as i am getting ready to move.

so, i am starting today. and am taking new clients. if you would like a handcrafted, too-legit-to-quit letter from me, then let me know. i’d be more than willing to send one your way. old friends, new friends, not-yet friends. i want to get this hand writing again. help me out.

one of the ladies at the shelter, tina, calls me her daughter. she brought me a little plaque that said something about the first day i was in her arms that she knew how special i was, and then today she put a little heart box with chocolates in it on my desk. oh gesh, these ladies are the cutest.

so, i am not sure why tina calls me her daughter. i feel like it has stemed from when she got me that plaque for my birthday. maybe it was the only nice looking one left, and she thought “eh, close enough” and since then has decided to call me her daughter, as a joke of sorts. but i don’t know. maybe it’s more than that. (i doubt she REALLY thinks i am her LEGIT STRAIGHT UP BLOOD daughter, but you know..) i’d like to think that maybe she has this love volcano in her heart, and every once in a while it spills out a little bit to the people around her. and on january sixth, i was in the crosshairs of the love volcano. yeah, i think that’s it.

this weekend, my room mate, hannah, is getting married. i am pretty pumped, because well.. she is getting married to a sweet guy. but also because i get to have a room to myself for the last month i am here. booooyah.

yesterday i was meditating on james 4. how good it is to just sit in the word of the Lord? and i was just thinking about how much i love the “but”s in the bible. you know the ones? “but He gives more grace” “but God raised Him from the dead” “but God being rich in mercy…made us alive” “but God meant it for good” and so on. amen Lord.

thank You for those buts in our life. i am a wretched sinner, but God being rich in mercy, has made us alive. thank You, thank You.

|| though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. -isaiah 1:18

this took on a new meaning, walking through this enormous snowstorm tonight. & how you could barely see five feet in front of you. not to mention, that the ground has been completely covered by feet of snow. all of it, pure white.

the Lord washes us. He completely covers us. He redeems us. how beautiful is that?

thank You Lord for Your redeeming blood.

but as for me, it is good to be near God.

i have recently been doing a lot of things at work that should normally fall under other people’s responsibility. buuuuut, apparently doing tiny little things is too big. so, instead of having only twelve things to do, i now have twenty. blah. i could do without all this extra baggage.

but anyways, lets get down to the nitty gritty.

people’s doubting faith used to always sway/break me, but now it has had a different effect on me; deep deep pain in my heart. it almost literally breaks my heart to hear my friends talk about their recent disbelief in Christ, and His saving blood. not that they have never believed and still don’t, but that they once claimed to have stock in It, but now something has turned them away from Life Everlasting. i wept over a friend’s recent loss of faith, and it left me feeling so so thankful that the Lord has allowed my tiny heart to continue to grab ahold of Him.

oh Lord, continue to do Your work. in Your time. Lord, i am not eloquent with my words, i can not save anyone. Lord, continue to grow my heart strong & rooted in You.

|| psalm 73 ||