Monday, May 23, 2011

how do i begin? well.

i have been having a difficult time here.

it has been very overwhelming for me. i've been pretty emotional (not in front of my gram) about staying here, and not feeling like i should. but it has pretty much just been a roller coaster of emotions.

yesterday was no exception to the rollercoaster. the morning, i was asleep. the afternoon, i was annoyed and just ready to rip my hair out. it was just all the little things. things i was not prepared to handle when i came here. and after i texted/called my closest of friends & fam, saying how i was not sure if i was able to handle this emotional stress for another month. i got a text back from my aunt that said "ok. we'll talk tomorrow and get you home ASAP". uhhh. welll, i mean.

i knew my aunt is a "lets get things done" type of person, but in the best of ways. she loves people with every fiber of her tiny being, she wants to help everyone in any way she can, financially, emotionally, or whatever. she has been a huge help since i've been here. but also (without her knowing) sort of put on some added stress about making my decision to stay or go. i just wasn't ready to be so final with my decision.

but last night, i received multiple encouraging texts, messages, calls from friends about my decision either way. and after a day of just crying out to the Lord, "JUST GIVE ME CLARIFICATION! SOMETHING ANYTHING!" well, He gave me peace about just letting it play out however it will. i will just stick it out until the end of june (when i was planning on going home for cornerstone fest!).

then, i wake up to my phone ringing. it was my aunt. i pick up, and she starts the conversation by saying that she is in the process of buying my ticket home. FOR THIS TUESDAY. "um... what?" as i struggle to wake up, i just think of my cry of "clarification" and thought... well, a ticket is pretty clear.

so, yes. i didn't "stick it out" for long, but i have definitely felt the change the Lord has allowed in my life. i still need refinement (as we all do), but it has been a beautiful trip with my gram. just hearing about her life, and stories of her husband before he passed. it was a joy to be with her for the time i was, and in retrospect, the stress was out weighed by the richness of her conversations (when she was being clear). but if i feel like the Lord re-opens this door, i will come back. but until then, i am onto another adventure: going home to live with my mom & brother (which i know will help refine me some more with patience!!!).

in summary, thank you for listening to me & my complaints. thank you for praying for me & my gram. thank you for just being a presence to me. thank you for encouragements, and for strong words. thank you for being apart of my journey.


1 comment:

kait said...

Hiya #1. Sounds like we have both had some changes in plan recently. Where does your mom (and soon you!) live? In IL? I know that I knew it at some point.

Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you a little bit by telling you that I'm in the same boat (sort of?). I was going to move to Nashville in June, but my plan changed (God changed it) and now I'm staying in Portland. I don't have a job yet, or really know where to go from here... but I'm in my Father's care so what can go wrong? Nothing! :}

<3 to you, maybe someday we can meet again. Before we die, I mean.